A little about us: (long, but important to read to understand everything)
We have known that *I* was really a *we* since childhood, but didn't really understand. We've always had conversations "in-house," and we instinctively knew our names when each person would "come-out" to us. But the only thing we knew of multiple personalities was the "Sybil-type" Multiple Personality Disorder - and since we never lost track of time or anything, this wasn't us.
The first one to show herself was Kali (then known as Cala), and her twin bother Kalim (who didn't really show himself till recently), and we are estimating that we were about 7 years old at that time (why we have to estimate or guess is explained later). At first Kali was more like an imaginary friend, but she felt very different. It wasn't until years later that *I* realized that she was a part of *me* (I think that many, if not most or all, imaginary friends are alter personalities, and that because children are told that having this imaginary friend is wrong, they just integrate into one personality as we get older).
When Toni, who we were born and live as, was 12 years old, *she* had a brain tumor removed. Alot of brain damage was done during the surgery. When we awoke from the surgery, we found that Toni was dead (she's recently come back out, so she was only deep in-house. She says it was easier being dead than feel what she does.). We were a completely different person. It was like being in someone else's body, living their life, remembering only essencials of the past needed to "pretend" to be this person, but having only vague memories, or no memories, of everything else. It sounds scary, and it was, especially since we *knew* we were *Toni* but didn't "know" who that person was. We can remember at the time wishing people would decide to call us by our middle name, Cristie, because that was *who* we were. Again, we didn't understand why we felt this way, it was as confusing to us as it is to you. It was a few years after this that we realized we were multiple, no matter what the "standard" for multiplicity was.
Cassandra, or Cassie as she prefers to be called, is also an in-house resident who fronts alot. From around 1997 to about 2001/2002 she and Cristie were fronting most of the time.
Even though we always knew we were a multiple household, but because we were conscious of each other and didn't fit what we were "supposed to be" as a multiple personality, we kept it to ourselves and thought we were alone in this. Around Oct.3, 2003 (Lynn has to keep dates of everything!) we found out that we are not alone and began learning about what it all means and how to accept it. We've worked very hard at being one person all these years, forcing ourselves to think one way, believe one thing. This caused alot of confusion and anger - imagine taking a group of individuals who believe, think, and feel differently, and make them all agree on everything all of of the time - imagine the conflict! Many times we've been seen as two-faced (guess we are kinda multi-faced *G*), as contradicting ourselves, not able to stick with something, not able to make a decision, we were even diagnosed as bipolar. One or all of us may be bipolar, but alot of our "mood swings" are just different people fronting. We are individuals - we like and dislike different things, we dress differently, have different personalities, have different ideas, different goals, and even different "talents."
Since we have spent the majority of our life trying to be one person, its hard for us to differenciate each person's character. Yes, some things are very noticeable, otherwise we might not realize that we are different people. But sometimes we might think or feel something and we're not sure who it is that is thinking or feeling that, or if it's more than one of us or all of us (we do agree sometimes!) Also because of the brain damage we have it's hard to think straight and sort details out sometimes. I know some people might get freaked out by this and wonder, "How do I know who I'm talking to?" In my case, since I've started to accept *us*, we co-front much of the time. Occassionally someone will front for a few hours, days, even weeks, while the rest of us just stay in-house, and once you get to know each person you might realize who it is. But lately we just all come to the front when the situation requires it or when we have something to say. So, for the most part, you won't notice that you're speaking to a different person. The only time it may come apparent is when it seems that *I* keep changing my mind or are contradicting myself or if you say something you've said before and *I* react totally differently than I previously did. To the outside world we are "Toni," and that is fine. If you want to know who you are talking to at the time, we don't mind you asking, but referring to us as "Toni" all the time is fine, too. Just remember that alot of times we don't know who is speaking, it's still confusing for us, too, so if you ask who you're talking to, we may not be sure *LOL* Also, only the people we've listed below actually front that we are aware of, but there are most probably others in-house that just don't front, or that are so similar to others that we haven't realized that they are "in there."
There are big blurs between Lynn, Cassie, Toni, and Cristie, because even though we *knew* we were different people, it wasn't "normal" so we made ourselves into one. So we might think one of us likes something, then later realize "Oops, no it was so-and-so!" It's almost like we're quints, so close yet subtle differences. Then there's the brain damage we have - we can't separate thoughts easily and can get confused if we have just 2 differnt things to concentrate on! I guess it's "normal" for many members to be similar and like similar things, especially if they grow up together. But there's always those few who have to be different! *LOL* Kali really stands out amoung us, though. Maybe that's because she was so separate from us to begin with.
We are using this journal to try to better separate everyone in-house and let them all be who they are - since we've started to do this, life has been alot less stressful and so many things from the past are making sense! Below is a short bio on each of us, as far as we know it. We'll add/change details and people as they become known. Keep in mind that since we are just giving ourselves the "right" to be who we are, this is like living with a group of people you don't know and can only hear, not see, and trying to figure out who is saying/feeling/liking what just by hearing them - how confusing is that?!?! So please bear with us as we learn about ourselves :-)
* She is outgoing, and can be sassy and very flirtatious. She has an odd sence of humor that we all love. She's the life of the party, loves to be noticed, and is not at all modest. She is also Pagan, though more eclectic than Cristie, and a witch - and less patient to practice and learn than Cristie!
* Born December 1, 1995 (Sagittarius)
* She is French and has helped us in our French studies over the years. However, it's been 8 years of no French, so she speaks English, but is trying to re-learn French - but it's hard when not everyone wants to, and a few could just care less about learning it *LOL*. She seems to be very creative. We don't know much about her yet, as she is just consciously fronting for the first time :-)